Life as of Today

Its interesting when you suddenly realize that the choices you are making are leading you into a life you simply do not desire, that the life you yearned for as a teen is no longer valid.

For years growing up I would tell my mom that I was going to be on Broadway, and all those years I worked hard, spending hours at rehearsals when my friends were out having fun, because I knew someday it would all be worth it. Finally, as a Senior in High School I made one of the biggest steps towards that goal, and I made it into the Music Dance Theatre major at Brigham Young University. I was ecstatic and so full of joy. What I didn't realize, was that all the hard work was not behind me, but soon to be endured. So, I went through the first semester of college and became an entirely different person because of the anxiety within the major. Many times I contemplated quiting, and switching to another major in hopes of finding the girl I used to be, the happy me. But, I would never be able to find me again, because quitting something is not me. I went into the second semester with a new attitude, and the smile came back. I was finally happy again, because I chose to be. I continued to pray to know if it was still the right major for me to be in, and received no answer. But, today things took a big turn.

I am now seriously considering switching into the Early Childhood Education Major, which means I would teach Preschool, first, second, or third grade. I know what you're thinking, completely different right? I know. I spent a while considering many other Majors like Nursing (too competitive), Fine Art(i might as well stay in MDT), Psychology(not too sure I could handle listening to peoples problems all day), Early Childhood Development(I love kids, not too competitive, and I can see myself really happy doing this).

But, then my mind goes back and forth. And then all the tears come, because after years of knowing without a doubt of what I was going to do, I now have no idea. I am scared and worried. So I think, "Maybe your just in a rough spot with MDT right now, keep going, get better at it, then see what you want to do." But then I think, "Ok, so I stay in the Major, I work super hard, and I get really good....alright....then what??? I am just really good at something. Because I no longer desire to move to NYC or LA to become some star. All I really want is to raise a family, and maybe sometimes do a show at the Hale. But, I don't have to major in MDT to do community theatre, I can just keep taking voice lessons and things would be fine. I would rather sit in a cafe playing my guitar and singing a beautiful but simple song anyways." But, then I always think about, "'What if I need to earn money to raise a family, or help provide money for my family, then I need an actual career." And thats when becoming a teacher fits in perfectly. And I know that I wouldn't be quitting, just choosing a different path for my life.

So, as of right now, I am weighing and contemplating the pro's and con's of each decision. I am no longer going to worry about it, but trust the Lord and continue praying about it. It's weird how your life can take a big turn when you least expected. Simply by my realization that in the end it doesn't matter how many big roles or solos you had in your life, but the difference you made in the lives of those around you. For me, I want to be mom who is there for her children, a mom that has the time to sit down and do a paint by numbers with them. I don't want to be living in New York coming home to an empty apartment.

Any thoughts?