Sharing some feelings I put out in the open on Instagram today:
In general, I keep trials to myself. Not to make people view my life in a certain way, but because sharing my hard times always makes me feel worse... Perhaps it's that I fear people will scoff at me because they feel in comparison to their lives it's hardly a trial... yeah...That reaction and what I actually normally get, "Bummer, I'm sorry" with no sympathy at all. (Cue punch in gut).
I try so hard to focus on the positive things in my life and some of my closest friends don't even know of the hardest things i've dealt with. But today is different. A few weeks ago I was talking to my sister in law and she was saying that trials would probably be easier to endure if everybody talked about them. We would feel less alone and perhaps be more understanding. She had many more profound words but I don't remember exactly what she said. Her words sunk in deep with me. And all morning I have felt guided by the Spirit to share a little. Not in hopes for pity or attention, but in hopes that those dealing with this too will feel a little less alone.
We have dreamed for years of lots of babies close in age and after having Myra we decided pretty early on to try for another one. After countless negative pregnancy tests, hopes up, hearts broken, doctors apts, blood tests, and dealing with amenorrhea, we found out today that I have thyroid disease.
Most of me actually feels happy and relieved to have found WHY my body is acting so psychotic, but a sliver of me worries that I'm getting my hopes up that treatment of this will result in a pregnancy.
Ladies, fertility issues are tough, I know there are women out there that have dealt with much worse and I am so grateful that I already have a child, but it has still been SO hard for me. In sharing this I really hope that someone out there feels today that they aren't alone in dealing with it. You're not the only one crying when when a pregnancy announcement pops up on social media or feel as though you're going to vomit before you look at a stick you just peed on. We are all in this together and I pray for those that deal with this daily, because I know first hand how hopeless it can make you feel. I love you guys. We got this!!!
I have felt an outpouring of love and well wishes today after sharing this.
I hope everyone knows how much I love and appreciate their prayers.
We are fighting hard to bring another babe to our home and I am determined to win this little battle!
xoxo