It all began in July when at home by myself I decided to take one last pregnancy test. For nearly a year I suffered from baby hunger but just knew I had to wait so that I could graduate first. The baby hunger was so bad that nearly every Sunday I would leave church crying after being around so many babies. Something so deep inside of me just yearned for a child. So, we had decided to wait till August to start trying. Well, the summer came around and we both just felt it was time. It had nothing to do with impatience, but it suddenly just felt right.
I remember not long after that, turning to Jordan while we were driving in the car and saying to him, "Im pregnant". I just felt it! But after many pregnancy tests that said negative, I was then convinced that I probably was not. Well, one Sunday morning I decided to take one more.
I eyed the test the whole time and it instantly read positive. I remember crying and jumping up and down and just repeatedly saying, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, thank you so much Heavenly Father."
Not long after, the morning sickness finally set in. I don't know how I managed to get through those months of morning sickness. I had early morning ballet everyday, school and a show almost every night at Sundance. We had barf buckets backstage, and I spent lots of time getting to know the school toilets.
Second trimester finally came and I felt a lot better! I remember feeling her little movements inside my belly and every time I felt it I was reminded how grateful I am for the life I have. Once I felt a bit better, school started flying by and before I knew it I was in my last semester at BYU and my last trimester with the baby. I was so excited and focused on this new life i was going to have that my brain completely checked out of school. ( How on earth did I graduate? )
At 37 weeks I went in for one of my weekly doctors appointments and as the doctor measured my belly she looked at me strangely and said, "you are measuring really small, you need an ultrasound." Thankfully the babies heartbeat sounded good so I wasn't too freaked out, but there was still some worry in my pregnant head. The ultrasound tech was gone for the day and they were super busy the next few days so they had me schedule it at the hospital. The next few days I spent looking stuff up online about measuring small (naturally) and that's when I started to realize that I could be induced with this baby in less than a week.
Tuesday finally came around and Jordan and I headed to our appointment. We sat in the waiting room forEVER because some girl came in with an emergency so they had to put her in before me. They finally took us down a long hall into the ultrasound room where a young girl began to give me the ultrasound. She was so quiet the entire time and it was freaking me out. I could see on the screen while she was taking measurements of the baby that she measuring around 34 weeks when I was nearly 38 weeks along. She did this for nearly thirty minutes and then told us that the doctor would come in to look at it and talk to us about everything. So she left... and then we spent another good thirty minutes just waiting. Once the doctor came in and started looking at things and talking to us, I finally felt some relief and peace. He was very informative and honest which was very refreshing. He talked to us about her measurements and how she was not getting the nutrients she needs and that she needs to come out sooner rather than later or she could potentially be a still born if we waited. He then left the room so he could call the doctor that was on call for delivery to discuss our situation with him and see if he thought I should be induced as well.
I remember sitting in that room as he left, with my belly exposed and covered in lube feeling all the sudden so completely vulnerable, scared and excited all at the same time. And thats when the shakes started happening for me. The shakes that a lot of people say they get after labor. I was so nervous! I had spent most of my life so excited to be a mother and it was going to happen that night, I was going to have this baby and as i stared at the ceiling I had to all the sudden check out from life for a minute because I was so scared. What if I was going to be a terrible mother to this fresh and innocent soul that God had decided to give to me! So I started counting the ceiling tiles and listening to the clock tick away as my cold body shook.
to be continued...