(23 weeks)
I sit here feeling you kick and turn in my tummy and it takes the lonely feeling of being in this little apartment by myself away. Which I am extremely grateful for. The past few weeks have been really difficult for me, and having pregnancy hormones does not help at all! Two weeks ago I accidentally spilled water all over the mac book your daddy let me get less than a year ago. Its costing lots and lots of money to fix. I cried for three days because I was so mad at myself for being so careless. Then just a few days ago I was driving and something felt weird... I was not sure what it was, and i foolishly kept driving on it for a couple of days. Once daddy got in and started driving he knew right away we had a flat tire. And yes, it was completely flat. A screw went straight through and because I kept driving on the tire, it was not reparable. Our car is all wheel drive, so if one tire gets replaced, they ALL get replaced. And 600 dollars later we now have what we could have had without spending hardly anything if I had just stopped driving it. And for the first time I felt scared... scared that you were on your way and I wasn't ready to take care of you. If I cant take care of a computer and a car how am I supposed to take care of a baby? I have had dreams my whole life of the kind of mother I want to be and I am scared I won't be able to be that mommy I have dreamed my whole life of being. So I have started praying. Praying that I will be able to raise you well and that you will always know you are loved. I already feel like I don't deserve you and your sweet spirit. So I am trying harder to be a better person, to be the mom that you deserve to have. I am trying harder to keep the house clean, to be kind to those around me, to bring the spirit into our home, and so much more.
If anything, one thing I do know is that your daddy does deserve you. He works so much and so hard to be able to provide for our family. Last night he kept talking and singing to you while we laid in bed. We told you about the holidays and how much you will love them. He then asked me whether I thought you were going to be a daddy's girl or a mamma's girl, and I told him both... but secretly I know you will be a daddy's girl. He is the best!
It's getting awfully chilly outside so I hope you stay warm inside my tummy till March. We are so excited to hold you baby! We love you so much.
Love,
Mom