Sometimes I feel like something is missing from me, from my brain. Growing up I always knew what I wanted in life. I knew what I loved, what I hated and what I could tolerate. But now "I don't know" seems to be the answer I give myself with every question I have lately. And it's not just decisions like "What food should I order", but questions like "what do I want to do with my life when I graduate?" "when should I think about marriage?" "am I in the right major?" and the list goes on...
I am not sure if it's because I now realize that every little decision I choose, can make the biggest difference to what happens to me in my life, or if somewhere in between ages 8 and 19 I shaped myself into a different person.
Maybe it's a combination of the two... But inside my messy head, I think it's because I have made myself into somebody who doesn't make decisions in life. And I did that because I am a people pleaser. If the people around me aren't happy, than I am not either. So I mold and shape who I am and what I like into what everyone around me wants.
I started conforming back in Junior High when I realized all my friends were changing to become someone that fits in...to become popular. The changing I did was good, for the most part. I became a lot more outgoing, happy, and discovered my love for theatre because a friend begged me to audition for a play with her. So, I am not necessarily saying that being a people pleaser is a bad thing, but it has its limits.
I finally realized that no matter how much I try, I can't always please everyone, and there will be people in the world that dislike me no matter what. Once I realized this, I stepped back and decided that I needed to start making decisions based on what I want in life.
So this week I have been trying to figure that out, and I can't...because I no longer even know what I want. I have gone so long doing things other people want me to do. Ever since I have stepped back to look at myself, I have felt so lost and confused. I feel like half of me is here, in my body, going to classes, doing homework, spending time with friends, going to work.... and the other half of me is lost, gone, far from my reach.
The thing is, I am not scared of my future or the decisions I make anymore, like I used to be. Because I don't know where I will be three years or ten years from now but I do know the most important thing of all, that I am a child of God. I know that He loves me, and has a plan for me, and that is all that matters.
No, I can't get a letter in the mail telling me what to be, and who to marry, and when to marry them. But, I have been given free agency and prayer to choose what I really want, and to know what is best for my life. And if you ask me, that's even better. So my goal for the rest of my life, is to find out what I want and what God wants for me, and fight for those things will all my heart So that when I die, God can hand me a "What happened in Hailey's life" letter, and everything the two of us wanted for me, ended up on that list.
Picture: Melinda Fisher