I sprawled out my legs while looking at the empty spot near me in bed while intense feelings and thoughts suddenly overwhelmed me. I instantly pulled my legs into my stomach and curled into a tight ball while pulling my fluffy comforter over my head.
I've been so caught up in the little things and little moments in my life that I haven't really been able to step back, embrace, and be grateful for the big picture. Yes, my baby died. And the posts of pregnant bellies and due dates being shared for a new arrival in May makes me cry. a lot. Yes, my husband is gone and has been gone most of this past year. Yes, we live on the other side of the country from our families, the beautiful mountains and a community that I love.
BUT I am right in this moment living the life I have always dreamed of. I have two beautiful, healthy babies and one I know I will be able to raise eventually, just not right now. I have an incredible husband who works his tail off and is gone so much because so many schools want HIM for their programs. And we live here because Florida took a chance on us and because of it, Jordan got an amazing education. And while the community and area are different than what I was used to growing up, it too is amazing! To top it off, we have Disney in our backyard and a church ward I love with all my heart. This is what my dreams were made of growing up, and its what my dreams still are made of.
When I was young I used to lay in an empty bed as well... but I would lay there thinking about being a wife and mother someday. I specifically remember counting on my fingers how many more years I had left before I could be old enough to get married and have children. 7 years, it was 7 more years. And now here I am, almost 7 years into my marriage.
Being a mom has its hard moments. But last night we ate popsicles right before dinner, ate pizza and then had our family movie night. For half the movie Myra and Max cuddled together and I watched them while my heart melted. Those moments make it all worth it and more. The sticky fingers they constantly place on my cheeks while looking into my eyes with so much love, the afternoon dance sessions complete with twirling and giggling, the long bubble baths and pruned fingers, the messy tea parties sprawled on my floor every day, the blanket forts and Disney movies on repeat... All these thoughts flooded my mind.
I pulled the comforter down to my neck and smiled as a tear rolled down my cheek. I am so happy! and so very grateful!